Depris things scribbling really well on it I'm not. More depressed. Here I was yesterday turned up and still so full of energy ... But I will not go home. I'm really afraid of it. Anything negative is waiting for me there, I'm sure. Any problems. So the last thing I need now. And I do not think about it. I also have no money anyway for the train. Why can not life be just so strip off their skin like a snake and a new start, totally unencumbered by old worries? And why ever happened to me so a shit? Why me, this cursed life can not alone! Not a day goes by because, though I get stomach pains because of any difficulties? I would just run away ... no idea where ... everything away from me, push, in the deepest ocean sink ... to curl up in a place where I can be reached only my closest friends for the world to me finally declared dead and forgotten ...
And it's damn shitty to feel even more helpless then. Useless. Mitzubekommen how someone is suffering and can not help him, even though you want it with a vengeance. To know that you can not help
. empathize, mitzuleiden and to believe that one anyway just empty phrases of himself is that no one will be useful. Over and over again. Meaningless.
Oh damn, listen to already, to call the emergency number - I will not cut my wrists, because I can see no blood (at least not my own).
The mood is also reflected in my stories. The Praiota story, you remember? Today I once set out to write the first chapter. It takes place shortly after the destruction of Gareth and is pretty ... depressed. I'm not quite sure how I would call it, but here is the first part ...
light and shadow - Chapter I slowly sank towards the horizon the Praiosscheibe. Your fading light bathed the environment in a reddish glow and pointed clearly to the fact that dawned, the dark times of the day.
Ylenia shuddered and turned away from the window. She felt uncomfortable on the fire in Gareth recalls, who with his fiery glow also ushered in a time of darkness. Their hands joined as seeking to halt their water glass. Why, Lord? she asked silently. I can not understand it ...
Many others in the inn at the edge of the national route seemed to have similar thoughts. When she arrived in the bar, Ylenia had counted a dozen people, now had been added a few more. In order not to fall into self-pity, let the Praiota gaze wander over the faces. She saw some haggard-looking couples, apathetic, sitting there children, a her fleeting known dealer with a bandaged arm and an empty expression, an angry-looking young woman with a rapier belt and their equally armed companion, a tormented by fits of coughing older man, a pale girl with burns in the once well-pretty face and a grim mercenaries sitting there, whose face was made up almost entirely of scars.
A shiver ran down her back and she had to control himself, to continue its broader attitude to . Keep She could feel the suffering of all these persons formally, and it seemed like a black cloud to hover in the air and then compress and when to weigh down the shoulders and present them to take your breath away. Ylenia uncomfortable loosened her collar and hoped that no one had noticed. A devotee of Praios did not feel nervous, but should radiate strength and confidence. Who else but the servants of gods, the people could give in these difficult times living?
But there were always the same questions: "Why do the gods allowed this? What have we done to be punished? Why did they just watched that? If we do not care - or they became too weak to protect us? "
clean Ylenia intellectually knew the answer. Had the attack been addressed only by niederhöllischen entities, it would have been the gods allowed to oppose them with all their might. But there had been people who went through delusion, hatred and lust for power so far as to destroy their own kind in a flaming inferno. And the existing eons Mystery of Kha forbade the gods to interfere in affairs of mortals, and to restrict their free will. Certainly there had been exceptions, such as in the Second Battle of demons, but here were the Erzherrscher the low dens to which changed, and nothing mortal could resist their power. Now it was "only" their child servants, who, controlled by people sowed fear and terror. Not the first and certainly not the last time in the history of life tive step. Nevertheless, Ylenia
knew exactly how the other felt. Deep in her heart it was just her, deep in her mind sounded desperate and the voice that asked why. The
Praiota suddenly noticed that the young woman with the Rapier staring at her. Questioning she frowned. A derogatory view was the answer, then there was the woman approached their table. Shortly before she stopped and hesitated for a moment. "Praios be with you, your honor," she said softly. "Is it allowed to settle down?"
"Praios in greeting. Of course. "With barely a hint Ylenia pointed to the chair opposite her. Internally, however, pulled out their entrails together painful. The last thing she needed now, a discussion with a person's anger and doubts had been almost written on the forehead.
"How can I help you?" She asked, without obligation. At the same time she straightened her back and folded her hands on her lap. Fortunately it was not compared to see that she trembled slightly and fingernails tightly clutched in the pale skin.
"You could offer me a convincing explanation," the woman said coldly. "But wait, how rude of me - I have not yet presented. My name Elyana meadow. "
The Praiota is was sure that the rudeness was intended. However, they did not flinch as she answered: "Delighted. My name is Ardinsbrück of Ylenia. And what do you expect an explanation from me now? "
Elyana grimaced and then made a comprehensive gesture. "For everything here that you believe it? Preach law and order and love of the gods, while around us is collapsing world! "
" You must not continue. I know how it goes, "said Ylenia and noted angrily that her voice sounded bitter. "You want to know why the gods do not intervene. Well, I can tell you. Long ago they have taken a sacred oath, not to hinder mankind in the exercise of their free will. The danger was averted, that mortals could become puppets of God. And now there were mortals who made the decision to bring fire and death on the Middle Kingdom. They may have used this unholy creatures, but the decision they made of their own free will. Believe me, the gods will see our suffering, and they will find a way to beat back the low-dens. You can not force anyone to carry out their will, but if we only listen carefully, they will tell us what we need to do. But for that we must not close our ears and hearts of their words, not in front of her message -. For he who fails his heart to the gods, has fallen on the way to the darkness of the Seventh Sphere "
Elyana looked wordlessly at her. In her face, it worked, changed skepticism with thoughtfulness and defiance with confusion. Finally won the confusion. "You really believe that what you said?" she asked with a remainder of insubordination.
"Yes," replied firmly Ylenia, adding silent: because it is the only performance that prevents me from just getting up in the morning and not to wait for Golgaris wings.
Elyana cleared his throat uneasily. "I ... I'm sorry, "she murmured. "But it is a difficult time for us all. I have lost my brother, Gareth, he was with the city guard ... "
" I can understand you, "Ylenia said softly and made sure that her face did not betray the sudden pain she felt. "My mentor and my father died in the attack."
The young woman proposed hand over her mouth. "My condolences ... Has survived at least your mother? I was able to escape to the basement ... "
Ylenia said before she could think, and this time her voice was brittle. "My mother disappeared into the Borbaradkriegen. Five Gods runs it was declared officially dead. "Now were the words, and she wished to have never spoken. When she saw the pity in Elyanas eyes, she was afraid of having to cry. Only strict self-discipline kept her face fairly quiet.
"It's ... I'm sorry ... I did not want to hurt you, "whispered Elyana. "I was so stupid and have not thought that others suffer even more than I had ... "finally
Be still! Ylenia wanted to yell. Instead, she clenched her hands even more and looked straight ahead, somewhere past Elyanas left ear.
rose with a smile rather unsuccessful, the young woman. "I ... I must go back to my fiance. Uh ... I'm really sorry. Honest. "
" There you be forgiven, "Ylenia replied flatly. She waited, had risen to Elyana and had turned around, they hastily checked to see if anyone looked in their direction. Finally she allowed herself a faint sigh, and took her hands from each other. Dark crescent-shaped Times showed where the nails had been drilled into the flesh. She plucked at the sleeves of her robe and pulled it as far as possible on the hands, then looked down at the table, hoping that the other tavern guests they were alone. The pain was too fresh, the wound still bleeding ...
slowly emptied the bar-room. First, the couple went with the children, then the girl with the burned face. Ylenia waited patiently, although it was slow even tired. She confessed to a reluctant, but she wanted to be sure that everyone had left, which would have a conversation with her to search. Currently she was not able, honest to provide pastoral care - and disingenuous actions violated Praios' principles.
When only two or three other people were present and the host began to yawn surreptitiously, she got up and went on towards the stairs. They had to pass through the table of the mercenary, who had emptied in the course of the evening, five or six beer mugs. However, he gave her now with a clear and rather piercing look of green eyes.
"Will you also talk about the gods," she asked weakly, and are retained, although they do everything in it urged them to ignore the man and just go to bed.
He shook his head and grimaced a crooked grin that distorted the patchwork of scars and barely let him appear human. "Yes. And you want that any more. It's amazing that you can have it at all. "
" What you allow yourself? "Hissed Ylenia. "Do you want to say that I am disloyal to my faith?"
Again, this sinister grin. It seemed cynical, like that of a man who had a whole life behind and saw all the suffering Deres. Now was the Praiota also that the mercenary was not young, mid to late thirties estimated. His red hair was disheveled and almost shoulder length, the nose seemed to have been repeatedly broken, and the green eyes were shining, despite its dull color strange. Around his wrists ran pale, regular scars - he had taken a long time there have shackles that had his arms over and scrubbed again and again bloody.
"I've seen you in the face," he said then. His voice was rough and as the acoustic equivalent of his face. The cynicism had to have dug deep into his soul, and only the gods want to know how it happened. "After a while you learn to read from faces. Not only can this Sanctified And you look like a seriously wounded young fighter who is facing a superior force and know exactly that only his will he keeps alive. Although it might not bring much. "
Ylenia felt too weak to respond. Instead, they tried their trained human nature and tried to read well in the face of her opponent. She was startled at what she found: bitterness, hatred, despair and humiliation had left their mark. More could endure as an individual - more than a living being dared to imagine. And yet here he sat, ate and drank - and understand.
"If it's so amazing that I can still talk about the gods," she said huskily, "how amazing it is then first, that you still have the strength to live "
For a fraction of a second, something flashed in his eyes, and then he laughed abruptly - short and joyless. "Take just a role model to me. I find the strength to get up in the morning just because I know I've seen everything bad already. Not love keeps me alive, but hatred. My heart has long been cold. "
shudder Ylenia turned off and almost ran out of the tap room. To hell with all the low self-discipline ...
In her bedroom she pulled the covers up to the nose and tried to calm down, but the cold eyes of the mercenary pursued them in their dreams, where a gripper with burnt feathers shed bitter tears.
Comments wanted ...
, 
and Tracy (met again) on Bostalsee. Was beautiful. Great weather, just lying around, talk about Taibi and melons and such. Cigdem was indeed called PERMANENT, but not bad. 
at the fair. Fireworks broadcast (last day) and eating ice cream. So many strange people live here. I know again why I move. But I miss my mom now, somehow.
one hand, I'm looking forward of course animal, make up for something and before I am particularly to feel needed again, to be taken seriously and just take the normal challenges. But on the other hand, I've hell of fear of failure. Probably everything is half as bad as I imagine the whole, and on Tuesday I am settled again. The tingling is certain, however, still exist. 
) were just too tempting! Unfortunately, it'll work in my last vacation week without Schatzi worse than expected. Could all the time to eat something. Fortunately,'s just chips at home, otherwise I'd probably already 2 pounds fed. 
